DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fanfiction and satire for my own personal entertainment (and maybe yours). Saints Row the Third and all related characters are the property of Volition, Inc. Mass Effect, Mass Effect 2, Mass Effect 3, Dragon Age: Origins and Dragon Age II and all related characters and locations are the property of Bioware Inc. RATING: Adult. But, you know, not *that* adult.
“I was not parking!” Sad Charlie shouted back. The roar of the NOS and the grinding sound of metal against immovable tree almost drowned them out. “But since this car is probably going to explode, we should probably ‘jack another anyway.”
“Ladies, there’s no need to fight over me like this,” came a smooth voice from the back seat.
“Just shut up and get out of the car, Pierce,” the women shouted.
All three Bioware Street Saints exited the smoking vehicle. Sad Charlie took a moment to admire her parallel parking job, the Temptress wedged firmly between two large oak trees. A Bootlegger caught Ceci’s eye and she roughly helped the owner exit the vehicle.
Charlie ejected the passenger and hopped in. “I hate these stupid little cars. Give me my Mako and it’s all good.”
Ceci rolled her eyes. “You would still drive it through walls.”
“I didn’t tell the walls to get in my way.” She glanced around. “Where the fuck is Pierce?”
A few doors down, they spied him sauntering out of a seedy sex shop owned by the Saints, something long and purple bobbing in his hands. “Sorry,” he grinned sheepishly.
“Shut up and get in the car, Pierce!”
Three gang fights, a police blockade, two exploded Emus and a shopping spree later, the three arrived at their crib. The 50-story building used to belong to the Morning Eclipse, but was now painted the blue, green and red of the Bioware Street Saints. Ceci and Sad Charlie dropped their bags in the foyer and wandered over to the kitchen to plant kisses on their respective husbands’ cheeks. Lite Bread was humming to himself, the sweet aroma of bacon wafting up from the pan he was dancing in front of. Sweet Joey B was focused on the preparation of his prized filet mignon. He took offense when he’d caught some of the homies munching on sammiches in such a fine kitchen. He considered it blasphemy to let anything as uncouth as peanut butter mar the smooth granite counter tops when the Saints could afford to eat anything they wanted.
The bass-booming ambient music of the crib lowered for a moment. “Commanders,” piped a sexellent voice over the intercom. “The Illusive Man would like to see you.”
Ceci rolled her eyes. “We don’t take orders from him!”
Sad Charlie planted her fists on defiant hips. “He ain’t the boss of us!”
Then, after a beat, they headed over to the board room to greet the holographic image of The Illusive Man.
“Ladies,” he drawled in his smoke and gin voice. “I have a new dossier for you.” The vidscreen beside them materialized and the face of an alluring blue-tentacle headed female appeared. “Her name is Liara T’Soni. She’s currently being held hostage by the Blooddeckers off of the shores of Omega. Her mother is the leader of the Blue-chadors and has promised us an alliance if we rescue her daughter.”
“Is this a mission that requires us to be naked and freaking high on whatever it was you dosed us with last time?” asked Sad Charlie.
The corner of TIM’s mouth quirked with a small smile. “Not this time.”
Disappointment drooped Sad Charlie’s shoulders.
“So why doesn’t blue chick’s mom rescue her own daughter?” asked Ceci.
“Because the Blooddeckers are actually a rogue faction of the Bioware Street Saints and Mrs. T’Soni refuses to deal with me until I’ve taken care of the Blooddeckers.”
“So we’re cleaning up your mess again?” Sad Charlie said.
“Rogue faction,” clarified TIM.
Ceci shrugged. “Seems legit.”
“You know, TIM said we didn’t have to be naked for this mission,” said Ceci, not looking at the full glory of Sad Charlie’s tattoos and piercings on display for all.
“I don’t mind,” came Pierce’s voice over the radio.
“Shut up and fly the chopper, Pierce.”
“I’m not naked.” Sad Charlie snapped the thin elastic of her N7 panties to prove it. “Besides, the ‘not naked’ thing was only a suggestion. You know he vids all our missions.”
“Not even going to ask where you’re keeping all your weapons.”
Sad Charlie pointedly eyed Ceci’s corset, Capri pants and heels. “I don’t see any pockets on you, either.”
“There’s the target,” announced Pierce. It was a large cargo ship stacked with large freight boxes. They could see the movement of many bodies, all of them probably heavily armed.
“Sweet,” said Ceci, as she and Sad Charlie leapt off of the chopper.
“She must be in one of the cargo boxes,” Ceci yelled between bursts of her submachine guns and the explosions of her grenades. She briefly considered the wisdom of throwing grenades on a ship. Briefly. But then a group of Blooddeckers opened fire on her from the deck above and she responded with a wicked grin. “I got this!”
“OMG just stand still for a second first! I want to take pictures!”
“Fine!” grumbled Sad Charlie, and dropped to one knee, the scope of her Black Widow sniper rifle to her eye. She carefully picked off decker after decker, wary of the flashing form of Ceci darting in and out of her sights.
Ceci opened another cargo bin. She’d had no luck with the last five, but this one seemed promising, if the sound of fists beating against the walls and cries for help were anything to go by. She found it filled with a collection of blue-tentacled females, all dressed in similar skimpy, sparkling red outfits, saved for one. “Liara T’Soni?”
The unique blue female nodded and stepped forward.
“Good,” Ceci said, and slammed the door closed in her face. “We found her,” she reported into her mic.
“Is she as cute in person?”
“Just shut up and fly the hos home, Pierce!”
Sad Charlie tossed Ceci a rocket launcher and pulled out one of her own. “We’ll cover you.”
Lite Bread eyed Pierce derisively. “And you just left them there?”
Sweet Joey B was furious. “I am going to kill you!”
Pierce raised his hands helplessly. “They told me to go! They are grown ass women who can take care of themselves. Relax!”
Lite Bread turned to Sweet Joey B. “We need to find them.”
Sweet Joey B glanced fretfully towards the kitchen. The homies were edging closer, butter knives in hand. “Yes. You’re right. We need to find them. But what should we wear?”
“You got to pick last time,” Lite Bread noted, folding his arms over his chest.
“What’s wrong with steampunk?” Sweet Joey B demanded indignantly.
“Fine. I get to pick the car then.”
But before they could come to a decision, everything in the crib suddenly began to shake.
“WTF?” came a shout from outside and everyone ran out to see what the homie was going on about, only to draw up abruptly when the heads of two massive robots appeared over the balcony.
“We found jaegars!” came Sad Charlie’s giddy voice over loudspeakers.
“Mine’s called Mecha Fenders!” announced Ceci.
Inside the crib, Ceci and Sad Charlie deposited yet another collection of shopping bags and went to greet their husbands. Ceci admired the new additions to the household, their blue alien figures winding lithely around the stripper poles. Meanwhile, Sad Charlie almost tripped over the wires and devices that surrounded Liara T’Soni.
“Sorry,” said Liara in a breathy tone. “I’m not quite finished setting up yet.”
“Setting up what?” demanded Ceci suspiciously when she joined them.
“Oh, I hope you don’t mind,” Liara said, looking to Sad Charlie, who seemed the less judgmental of the two. “I’ve moved all of my Shadowbroker paraphernalia into your living room.”
Sad Charlie raised a brow at Ceci. “Seems legit. Let’s go shopping again. We can take my jaegar!”
“Um, no,” said Ceci. “I will drive.”
Browsing through the racks at Let’s Pretend, Sad Charlie’s phone rang. She peered at the call display, but didn’t recognize the name. “Whut?” said Sad Charlie into it. Her expression shifted to one of puzzlement as she listened intently to the mysterious voice on the other end.
Ceci tapped her foot impatiently, the sun glinting off of her exquisitely painted toes. “Who is it?”
Sad Charlie shrugged, ending the call. “Dunno. They just said someone in our crew is going to betray us.”
Ceci made a WTF face. “A traitor?”
“I know right? Who would possibly want to betray us?” Sad Charlie’s phone chimed again before they could mull over the possibilities.
She glanced at the call display and answered cheerily. “Hey! What’s up, Liara?”
“Charlie. I have a mission for you and Ceci. It’s dangerous, but I need you to trust me…”