This one time, Digitaltempest and I were in a mood and decided that Bioware needed our help to fix the problems that have plagued them since the success of Mass Effect and Dragon Age: Origins went to their heads and they were gobbled up by the evil Electronic Arts. How is this different from other days, you ask? Well, let’s just say that this time, we maaaay or may not have complete PowerPoint presentations to go with our week long seminar plans. I’m talking flowcharts and starwipes, kids. Yeah. You heard me. And for the low, low price of 200 orens per session, you too can learn the things Bioware should learn before they produce Mass Effect 4 and Dragon Age 3.
This is for your own good, Bioware. We do this because we love you.
The (LOL)Science of Synthesis
Why glowing green eyes are bad for Hide-And-Go-Seek.
Star Wars Part I: The Old Republic – You Tried
Star Wars Part II: Knights of the Old Republic III – Try Harder
SWTOR features some innovative game play and excellent story, but we all know it should have been KOTOR3. Too late to look back, but we can look forward! Cade Skywalker and Ania Solo are waiting for you in Star Wars Legacy. Tell Disney we sent you. You’re welcome.
The Dark Things Under the Rug
Fans notice when you sweep dark spawn and dark energy under the carpet.
Where Do Wardens Go?
Our Warden and Champion’s stories might be over, but telling us they have vanished into thin air just ain’t gonna cut it.
We Will Always Mod. Deal With It
You can’t beat us, so go back to joining us.
Appropriate Defensive Uses of the Phrase “Artistic Integrity”
Includes a special presentation defining the word “integrity” and includes free “Artistic Integrity” t-shirts.
Saying No to Daddy
When Electronic Arts says “Now,” but you are not ready. (prerequisite: Appropriate Defensive Uses of the Phrase “Artistic Integrity” ).
Confrontation is inevitable. The silent treatment only leads to more anger. It does not, contrary to popular executive belief, make us go away.
How Not to Do Community Relations
A special session focusing on Jessica Merizan’s responses and how they reveal a complete lack of understanding of the game and the community.
Chris Priestley is Satan and Other Known Facts
A Manifesto about Manifestos.
That Dress Is Illogical
A Fashion Primer.
The Tragedy of Emily Wong
How to properly sacrifice beloved characters with respectful send offs instead of just tweets and afterthought emails. Also includes a memorial to Kal’Reegar. (Please don’t tell Adam Baldwin).
The Tragedy of Thane Krios
How not to forget about characters and make sure master assassins actually use their master assassin abilities in battle.
Choices Really Do Matter
Choice is not just a tagline. Case Studies include: The Witcher and Alpha Protocol.
Fangirling Over Celebrity Fangirls
We understand that meeting favourite celebrities can leave you feeling flustered, but it shouldn’t result in letting them insert themselves and their headcanon into your stories.
Psst. Your Deus Ex Machina is Showing
If you have to use a god machine to get you through your plot, try to make it a bit more subtle.
Learn Your Own Canon
You made a codex. Use it.
Blood Magic and Enchantment
How to Black Man
A study in race relations.
Why Stock Pictures Are Not Always Your Friend
Next time, just steal someone’s concept art from Deviant Art instead.
No Means No, Liara
Liara T’Soni is a great character and her contribution to the mission is important, but not everyone is in love with Liara and therefore should not have to put up with her barging into the Captain’s Cabin whenever she pleases.
In Space, No One Cares If You Polygamy
Should I Sleep With Isabela?
When your romance options require a flowchart to determine whether or not it is possible to sleep with [X] and still romance [Y], there are problems.
Varric, James, Sagacious Zu and Aveline: Why Do You Tease Us So?
Harbinger: A Love Story
When you create an antagonist that becomes so obsessed with your protagonist that it makes a large scale model of said protagonist to cuddle with, you cannot simply forget to have a showdown between said protagonist and said antagonist in the sequel.
We Were On Break!
How not to date your presumed dead girlfriend and accuse her of cheating when you were off having relations too.
Friends AND Lovers
Not “OR.” As in, romance should not preclude friendship. Companionship is not just about the humping.
This One Time At Biotic Camp
How having a casual conversation with a crewmate should not lead that crewmate to suddenly assume you are flirting with them.